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Friday, January 05, 2007
A SCREAMING COMES ACROSS THE SKY
HOUSTON, Jan. 5 — Brennen de Vuurst, media liaison for NASA’s Near Earth Object Program, confirmed reports that the large, glowing object detected on October 2006 is on a collision course with Earth.
"If it stays on its current course," de Vuurst said, "it will land somewhere in central Pennsylvania early next week."
Reported sightings of the enormous spherical object have poured into NEO headquarters all week.
"I went online to check my email," Scott Eric Kaufman told reporters, "when what appeared to be the Hindenburg—only faster, more determined—barreled past my window."
On Monday, NEO scientists claimed these eyewitness reports were mistaken. What they had seen, the NEO declared, were the remains of a spent Russian rocket booster falling to earth.
NORAD officials could not confirm the NEO’s account, citing discrepancies between the time the Russian SL-4 booster reportedly crashed in Riverton, Wyoming and the accounts of Kaufman and other credible witnesses.
"Seeing how the Russian booster went down and stayed down around 6 a.m. Monday morning," said NORAD’s Seau de Honnêteté, "the odds of it being the thing reported today are slim."
De Honnêteté characterizes the NEO’s response to the situation as "stunningly unoptimal—a grave underestimation of the megacatastophic power of a planet-killer three times hotter than the sun."
De Vuurst’s NEO colleague, Dr. Gesam T. Verwüstung, disagrees. "An impact of that magnitude could vaporize the East Coast, rend the very fabric of civilization, but such an outcome is improbable. Most likely, women and liberals will complain."
Should you see this object as it makes it way to University Park, authorities ask that you immediately commemorate its passage on your local Internets.
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Comments
Sparky on the lookout for a giant fiery object:
Gojo, grand nephew of Gojira, informing the Troll of Sorrow about the predicted point of impact: