Monday, June 01, 2009
A Dream I Had After Watching Star Trek
In this scene, young James Kirk is fighting, wenching, and drinking his way across Iowa, when suddenly...
OLD GUY WHO GETS THE BRAIN LEECHES LATER: We need you to be a starship trooper! Your standardized test scores are way off the charts!
JAMES KIRK: I don’t remember taking any standardized tests!
OLD GUY / BRAIN LEECHES: Of course not! You were totally drunk! But your noble, starship trooper blood sort of took them for you when you were passed out, thus proving to millions of teenagers—once again—that if they don’t perform well on the SATs, they should kill themselves!
JAMES KIRK: Are you saying that I have mitochondria in my blood, like Anakin and the annoying, nerdy kid from A Wrinkle in Time?
OLD GUY / BRAIN LEECHES: Probably!
JIM KIRK: Well, that sounds kinda derivative, but...Wait a second, if I become a starship trooper, am I going to have to take that test designed by Spock? It’s totally unbeatable.
O.G. / B.L.: Don’t worry, you’ll kick that test’s ass!
O.G. / B.L.: By cheating.
JIM-BOB: Does that mean I cheated on the earlier standardized tests, too? Because cheating against Spock seems like a normal thing for a hot-blooded kid from Iowa to do. That Spock! He’s so crazy! The token woman/black person wants to have his baby! But on the other hand, cheating on these standardized tests from my mysterious past would pretty much just make me a cheater, which is sort of lame.
O.G. / B.L.: So let’s just assume that you only cheated when it was awesome to do so. Oh God! The brain leeches! I can feel them attaching themselves!